Almost three months without writing? Oh dear, I am awful.
I suppose it's mostly that things have largely remained the same in my life. Not much to write about really, and maybe I've reached a stage in which I'm somewhat complacent because being little isn't really a new concept now.
Not that it's any less important to me! It's as much of a part of me as ever. If anything I am growing to see how what I guess could be called two halves of myself can be even more integrated than I might have thought.
Last week I went to see Daddy for Christmas. It felt like it had been forever since I'd been there, and in retrospect it had been a while. Every time I see him I fall more in love with him. When he puts his arms around me it's like, "Ah, yes, this is what was missing!"
We went to see The Voyage of the Dawn Treader with a few of his friends, and spent the night at the beach even though it was too cold to go swimming - or really even to walk on the beach! He tried to take some pictures of me out on the sand the first day we were there, and I look miserable in all of them because I'm freezing to death. XD But later on I got a warm bath and lots of time to be little. I know he already said it in his blog, but it bears repeating - it was so great not to have to worry about anyone hearing/walking in on us! We probably weirded out some maid with our strange trash, though. Smirnoff bottles and...diapers? And the packaging to a buttplug? Yes. XD I had never really taken anything anally and it hurt like the dickens but I am determined to keep at it because I know I will like it once I'm able to relax a bit more. This first time, though, it was impossible to stop my muscles from tensing.
We made a few videos, just silly things of us talking and me showing off various fun stuff (okay, Daddy did make one naughty one), but I don't know that they'll ever get posted anywhere because Daddy was tipsy in them and I am very paranoid about putting that sort of thing on the internet. Uh, not Daddy being tipsy, but me being in my little clothes and drinking from a sippy cup and such. And introducing the audience to our new buttplug. XD There is a photo of me posted on Daddy's blog, though. He really liked it so I decided it would be okay if he just put up a small one.
For the rest of my stay, we mostly did the same sorts of things we always do - wandered around town, watched movies, and cuddled, although we also watched the eclipse through a telescope and took a long walk through the woods! I wish we could have been together on Christmas day but of course we both have families to be with. The consensus was reached that someone needs to invent a teleportation device. Well, actually, we have been making this assertion for quite a while now.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Exploring Subspace
The minute Daddy and I are apart, I'm already missing him. Being able to talk to him almost every day on the internet helps a lot, but I still constantly wish for what life is like when I'm around him. Falling asleep in his arms, waking up next to him, having fun going out and doing the most trivial, silly things, just because we're together. Knowing that I can be my complete self and not only not have to worry about being judged for it, but be loved for it.
We had a great time at the convention, and a few people actually recognized who we were dressed as the day we cosplayed! We are definitely going to do more cons that are this size in the future. I hadn't realized it, but Daddy has actually only ever been to Dragon*Con! And while that was great (this year was my first time!), it's not really representative of the kind of experience you get at a more average-sized convention. So I was really glad he enjoyed himself. Oh, and he bought a new diaper bag for me! He had just been keeping all my AB/DL stuff that he had at his house in a black laptop case, but he said that wasn't exactly fitting for what the contents were, and I have to agree. This bag is soooo cute; it has a little fox on it going, "Om nom nom!" on a baby chick that it mistook for a dumpling. Okay, it sounds a little violent when I put it like that, but I assure you it's adorable!
Geez, I'm a procrastinator. Those first two paragraphs were written ten days ago, then sat there waiting for me to finish them all this time! But I do have a legitimate excuse this time - I've recently started working as an intern in a local art gallery. Anyways, let's see if I can remember what else happened. That was exactly why I wanted to write this soon after I got back, so that everything would be fresh in my memory! So much for that...
Anyways, the day after we got back Daddy had a presentation to do about transgender people at his school, and I came in and helped. I think he did a good job, and some of the class seemed really receptive to what we were saying. I was a little nervous beforehand, but it wasn't too hard since we had a Powerpoint to go by. Um, let's see, what else...we ate a lot of delicious food, watched a few movies...we bought coloring books! Daddy found some of his old colored pencils and we decided we needed to color. XD It was good because it gave me something to do while he did his homework. We got two Animal Planet ones and one big My Little Pony one. I like My Little Pony, but I have to say this was kind of a disappointing coloring book - most of the pages are just the ponies standing there! It's like, c'mon, give us some action shots! You can only color the same pony so many times. And yes, I do like My Little Ponies, and I don't even care if you say they are girls' toys! I don't play with them because I only have one, but it's very special to me because my friend customized it to look like my favorite character from my favorite show! It's one of those toys that's too nice to play with.
Daddy was silly and thought I hadn't brought any diapers with me. I told him I hadn't brought any cute pajamas, but I guess he misheard or misinterpreted? So I was only diapered the last night because that was the only time he knew I had them. But it was really enjoyable. While we were at dinner, he told me to think of what I wanted to do when we got home. I am kinda predictable; I wanted to be spanked. XD I can't remember exactly how I detailed my ideas to him, but what ended up happening was that he spanked me, made me suck on one of his toys, and then fucked me with it.
Now, I don't usually go into that much detail about what we do in bed because to be honest, I'm shy. Which is a little ridiculous considering I have a fetish blog, but it's my blog so I can be shy about things if I want to! But the reason I bring it up is because it was the first time (in my admittedly short amount of time doing things like this) I actually cried during a scene. It was very strange - it wasn't really that it hurt. It did a little, but that alone wouldn't have been enough to make me cry, normally. I had never been fucked that hard and fast before, and it was...too intense, that's really the only way I can describe it. That's what I managed to choke out right as I started crying, and then I got all embarrassed that I was crying and tried to hide my face in Daddy's chest. For someone in the AB/DL spectrum, I cry surprisingly little. In fact, I had just been talking to Daddy the night before about how I wasn't even sure when the last time I had cried was. It usually requires me to be very upset indeed.
But I wasn't upset that night - I think I really just reached a more extreme level of subspace than I have so far. It was jarring when it was happening, but afterwards, once Daddy had let me come, cleaned me up, and put me in a diaper and we were cuddling, I felt...well, sorta high! I have heard kinky people talk about this feeling before, and I had experienced it prior to then, but I think that this instance was the most intense. I definitely want to reach that place again, and even push beyond it. Trying to push my own limits is another thing that draws me towards being a submissive, and while I can mostly explain what it is that I like about the other aspects, I don't really know what it is that gives me that compulsion. Thrill-seeking, maybe, for someone who is too much of a wuss to go skydiving or do hard drugs. I prefer my adrenaline with cuddling on the side anyways.
P.S. - I booked our room for Frolicon, and I don't know how I managed to do it (I had checked yesterday and the site was telling me there were no rooms at all!), but I got us one with a king-sized bed! Yay! I'm gonna roll around in it!
We had a great time at the convention, and a few people actually recognized who we were dressed as the day we cosplayed! We are definitely going to do more cons that are this size in the future. I hadn't realized it, but Daddy has actually only ever been to Dragon*Con! And while that was great (this year was my first time!), it's not really representative of the kind of experience you get at a more average-sized convention. So I was really glad he enjoyed himself. Oh, and he bought a new diaper bag for me! He had just been keeping all my AB/DL stuff that he had at his house in a black laptop case, but he said that wasn't exactly fitting for what the contents were, and I have to agree. This bag is soooo cute; it has a little fox on it going, "Om nom nom!" on a baby chick that it mistook for a dumpling. Okay, it sounds a little violent when I put it like that, but I assure you it's adorable!
Geez, I'm a procrastinator. Those first two paragraphs were written ten days ago, then sat there waiting for me to finish them all this time! But I do have a legitimate excuse this time - I've recently started working as an intern in a local art gallery. Anyways, let's see if I can remember what else happened. That was exactly why I wanted to write this soon after I got back, so that everything would be fresh in my memory! So much for that...
Anyways, the day after we got back Daddy had a presentation to do about transgender people at his school, and I came in and helped. I think he did a good job, and some of the class seemed really receptive to what we were saying. I was a little nervous beforehand, but it wasn't too hard since we had a Powerpoint to go by. Um, let's see, what else...we ate a lot of delicious food, watched a few movies...we bought coloring books! Daddy found some of his old colored pencils and we decided we needed to color. XD It was good because it gave me something to do while he did his homework. We got two Animal Planet ones and one big My Little Pony one. I like My Little Pony, but I have to say this was kind of a disappointing coloring book - most of the pages are just the ponies standing there! It's like, c'mon, give us some action shots! You can only color the same pony so many times. And yes, I do like My Little Ponies, and I don't even care if you say they are girls' toys! I don't play with them because I only have one, but it's very special to me because my friend customized it to look like my favorite character from my favorite show! It's one of those toys that's too nice to play with.
Daddy was silly and thought I hadn't brought any diapers with me. I told him I hadn't brought any cute pajamas, but I guess he misheard or misinterpreted? So I was only diapered the last night because that was the only time he knew I had them. But it was really enjoyable. While we were at dinner, he told me to think of what I wanted to do when we got home. I am kinda predictable; I wanted to be spanked. XD I can't remember exactly how I detailed my ideas to him, but what ended up happening was that he spanked me, made me suck on one of his toys, and then fucked me with it.
Now, I don't usually go into that much detail about what we do in bed because to be honest, I'm shy. Which is a little ridiculous considering I have a fetish blog, but it's my blog so I can be shy about things if I want to! But the reason I bring it up is because it was the first time (in my admittedly short amount of time doing things like this) I actually cried during a scene. It was very strange - it wasn't really that it hurt. It did a little, but that alone wouldn't have been enough to make me cry, normally. I had never been fucked that hard and fast before, and it was...too intense, that's really the only way I can describe it. That's what I managed to choke out right as I started crying, and then I got all embarrassed that I was crying and tried to hide my face in Daddy's chest. For someone in the AB/DL spectrum, I cry surprisingly little. In fact, I had just been talking to Daddy the night before about how I wasn't even sure when the last time I had cried was. It usually requires me to be very upset indeed.
But I wasn't upset that night - I think I really just reached a more extreme level of subspace than I have so far. It was jarring when it was happening, but afterwards, once Daddy had let me come, cleaned me up, and put me in a diaper and we were cuddling, I felt...well, sorta high! I have heard kinky people talk about this feeling before, and I had experienced it prior to then, but I think that this instance was the most intense. I definitely want to reach that place again, and even push beyond it. Trying to push my own limits is another thing that draws me towards being a submissive, and while I can mostly explain what it is that I like about the other aspects, I don't really know what it is that gives me that compulsion. Thrill-seeking, maybe, for someone who is too much of a wuss to go skydiving or do hard drugs. I prefer my adrenaline with cuddling on the side anyways.
P.S. - I booked our room for Frolicon, and I don't know how I managed to do it (I had checked yesterday and the site was telling me there were no rooms at all!), but I got us one with a king-sized bed! Yay! I'm gonna roll around in it!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Conventions!
Well, it's official - Daddy and I are going to Frolicon! I got my tickets while I was at Dragon*Con because it's much cheaper to get them there then to try to buy them online later. And they gave me a sticker! I am sooo excited. I'm already trying to plan what sorts of things I want to wear! It's a little different from a normal convention, since I won't be wearing actual costumes, but I want to take advantage of the fact that I can dress like a little boy and not be stared at or something. I also need to find some black shorts, because I asked Daddy what he thought he might like to see me in, and one of his suggestions was a white, slightly oversized button-down, black shorts, and black boots. And great minds think alike, because another suggestion was a sailor suit, and I've already been planning to make one of those for a few months now! My friend and I are hoping to start a company that makes Lolita-inspired accessories, so I think it only makes sense that we have cute outfits to wear! And I have wanted a sailor suit forever! I need to draw up the plans for it, though. Once I get that done I'll post them on here...or at least try to remember to!
I'm all hyper and excited because I leave to go see Daddy again tomorrow! Not only that, but we're also going to Anime Weekend Atlanta together! I have really been hankering for an anime con lately because I've been getting back into it more and more, but this one will be extra-special because it's the first con that Daddy and I are going to together. We even got together a cosplay! ...and then of course I had to suggest that we use those costumes to get up to a bit of naughtiness at some point. Daddy is convinced that the character I'm dressing as has secret AB/DL tendencies anyways. XD
I realized last night that little boys really should not be left to their own devices regarding some matters. See, I bought a waxing set (yes, the continued saga of my struggles with hair removal!) a couple of months ago. Technically it wasn't for...down there, only the "bikini area," (which I have come to learn isn't really just a polite way of saying pubes - they really do mean just the area that isn't covered by a typical bikini) but I thought hey, wax is wax, right? It came with some free pre-waxed strips that you warmed with your hands and then peeled apart. I tried them one night and they didn't work very well, but I hadn't had much faith that they would, anyways. However, they did take out some of the hair so I had to wait for it to grow back before I could try again.
My mistake was waiting so long to do so. Specifically, until last night. And, lo and behold...it doesn't work so great. It took out a bit more hair than the pre-waxed strips, but mostly it just hurt like a motherbitch and got my hands and everything I touched unbelievably sticky. And now this morning, my skin was very irritated. Not much of a surprise there. I shaved with my electric razor and hopefully tomorrow I will be okay to use my normal one. But the point of all this is...if I hadn't procrastinated and if I hadn't been so confident that the wax would work, I could have been shaving regularly these past two months. If I had done that, maybe my skin would have gotten more used to it, and it would have been a lot nicer for when I go see Daddy. As things currently stand, I don't know what it's going to be like, but I bet it'll hurt tomorrow when I shave. I deserve that, though. And if it looks yucky later...maybe I should ask Daddy to punish me (if he sees fit to). Maybe that would get it through my head that even if I'm not around Daddy, that's no excuse to be irresponsible and not take care of myself the way he wants me to.
I can't really be that annoyed with myself, though. I'm too busy being happy and excited for seeing Daddy! It feels like forever since we've been together, but now, by this time tomorrow (well, give or take a few hours...most likely give, but this time I'll be calling if that's the case!) I'll be in his arms! <3
I'm all hyper and excited because I leave to go see Daddy again tomorrow! Not only that, but we're also going to Anime Weekend Atlanta together! I have really been hankering for an anime con lately because I've been getting back into it more and more, but this one will be extra-special because it's the first con that Daddy and I are going to together. We even got together a cosplay! ...and then of course I had to suggest that we use those costumes to get up to a bit of naughtiness at some point. Daddy is convinced that the character I'm dressing as has secret AB/DL tendencies anyways. XD
I realized last night that little boys really should not be left to their own devices regarding some matters. See, I bought a waxing set (yes, the continued saga of my struggles with hair removal!) a couple of months ago. Technically it wasn't for...down there, only the "bikini area," (which I have come to learn isn't really just a polite way of saying pubes - they really do mean just the area that isn't covered by a typical bikini) but I thought hey, wax is wax, right? It came with some free pre-waxed strips that you warmed with your hands and then peeled apart. I tried them one night and they didn't work very well, but I hadn't had much faith that they would, anyways. However, they did take out some of the hair so I had to wait for it to grow back before I could try again.
My mistake was waiting so long to do so. Specifically, until last night. And, lo and behold...it doesn't work so great. It took out a bit more hair than the pre-waxed strips, but mostly it just hurt like a motherbitch and got my hands and everything I touched unbelievably sticky. And now this morning, my skin was very irritated. Not much of a surprise there. I shaved with my electric razor and hopefully tomorrow I will be okay to use my normal one. But the point of all this is...if I hadn't procrastinated and if I hadn't been so confident that the wax would work, I could have been shaving regularly these past two months. If I had done that, maybe my skin would have gotten more used to it, and it would have been a lot nicer for when I go see Daddy. As things currently stand, I don't know what it's going to be like, but I bet it'll hurt tomorrow when I shave. I deserve that, though. And if it looks yucky later...maybe I should ask Daddy to punish me (if he sees fit to). Maybe that would get it through my head that even if I'm not around Daddy, that's no excuse to be irresponsible and not take care of myself the way he wants me to.
I can't really be that annoyed with myself, though. I'm too busy being happy and excited for seeing Daddy! It feels like forever since we've been together, but now, by this time tomorrow (well, give or take a few hours...most likely give, but this time I'll be calling if that's the case!) I'll be in his arms! <3
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Sites and Scenes
Looks like DiaperSpace is down until who-knows-when...maybe forever? I hope not, but I'm not that optimistic. It seems like the administrators had just been less and less involved as time went on. Fortunate, then, that iDiaper.me should be up and running now. I've been making a list of articles I might like to write, and I'll start working on one soon. I just keep getting distracted with writing with Daddy! I think it's the next best thing to actually being with him; playing around in magical pretendy-land.
I made a new account on FetLife because I made my old one before I made my DS account or this blog, and it wasn't under the same name. To be honest, I'm not even sure what name it was under, but I hadn't really done much with it so I just went ahead and made a new one. I'm not sure how much I'll use it because there's just something about the layout that I don't really like. But I am indeed on there, as schwarz (as usual - I use that name everywhere except for when it's already taken, and then it's littleboyschwarz or lilboyschwarz). Add me if you want! It's funny, since it makes you put in your town I actually found a girl that I went to high school with, who is now in a relationship with my first long-term boyfriend. I'm happy they're together because she seems like a great sub, and the sort of person my ex wanted and that I couldn't be. I didn't add her, though, because we never really knew each other and because I'm very nervous about people I know even a bit in real life knowing about my LB/DL tendencies, even if they are also kinky. I feel like even people in the fetish scene sometimes think of us as weirdos.
Speaking of the scene, I was looking at their website tonight and have now got my little heart set upon going to next year's Frolicon. I mean, really - a convention for kinky people! How awesome is that? The tickets are a little steep but I think this is understandable what with how many things they have going on there. There are an absurd amount of panels and events, not to mention the play parties. I really want to go!
Let's see, what else? Well, I went thrift-store shopping again today. They had a pack of Prevails at Salvation Army, but they were 2XL, so boo to that. Then I found this like...well, it's hard to explain, kind of like a romper but it had long pants legs and the top portion is sleeveless. I think that if I hem the legs to make them shorts and maybe sew snaps along the inner thigh it would make a pretty good onesie. Also I have to find something to cover up the little flower patch with, because flowers are nice but they're a bit too girly for me! If nothing else I can cut out a little star or something out of a piece of fabric, because I have plenty of scraps. I think this will be a nice beginner's project for me. I don't feel like I'm quite ready to sew myself any clothes from scratch yet (especially since right now I'd have to be doing it by hand).
Oh, and I have a question. Is there a way for me to follow people with blogs on other sites? Specifically, Wordpress. I feel like there might be with the whole Google network thingy, but I really don't know how it works.
That's all for now! I'm gonna go roleplay with Daddy some, and then tomorrow I'm going to the beach!
I made a new account on FetLife because I made my old one before I made my DS account or this blog, and it wasn't under the same name. To be honest, I'm not even sure what name it was under, but I hadn't really done much with it so I just went ahead and made a new one. I'm not sure how much I'll use it because there's just something about the layout that I don't really like. But I am indeed on there, as schwarz (as usual - I use that name everywhere except for when it's already taken, and then it's littleboyschwarz or lilboyschwarz). Add me if you want! It's funny, since it makes you put in your town I actually found a girl that I went to high school with, who is now in a relationship with my first long-term boyfriend. I'm happy they're together because she seems like a great sub, and the sort of person my ex wanted and that I couldn't be. I didn't add her, though, because we never really knew each other and because I'm very nervous about people I know even a bit in real life knowing about my LB/DL tendencies, even if they are also kinky. I feel like even people in the fetish scene sometimes think of us as weirdos.
Speaking of the scene, I was looking at their website tonight and have now got my little heart set upon going to next year's Frolicon. I mean, really - a convention for kinky people! How awesome is that? The tickets are a little steep but I think this is understandable what with how many things they have going on there. There are an absurd amount of panels and events, not to mention the play parties. I really want to go!
Let's see, what else? Well, I went thrift-store shopping again today. They had a pack of Prevails at Salvation Army, but they were 2XL, so boo to that. Then I found this like...well, it's hard to explain, kind of like a romper but it had long pants legs and the top portion is sleeveless. I think that if I hem the legs to make them shorts and maybe sew snaps along the inner thigh it would make a pretty good onesie. Also I have to find something to cover up the little flower patch with, because flowers are nice but they're a bit too girly for me! If nothing else I can cut out a little star or something out of a piece of fabric, because I have plenty of scraps. I think this will be a nice beginner's project for me. I don't feel like I'm quite ready to sew myself any clothes from scratch yet (especially since right now I'd have to be doing it by hand).
Oh, and I have a question. Is there a way for me to follow people with blogs on other sites? Specifically, Wordpress. I feel like there might be with the whole Google network thingy, but I really don't know how it works.
That's all for now! I'm gonna go roleplay with Daddy some, and then tomorrow I'm going to the beach!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Back from Vacation
I'm back! And oh my gosh did I have a lot of internets to catch up on. I read about five hundred LiveJournal posts (not exaggerating, either!) before I accidentally closed the page I was on, lost my place, and gave up. I had a very good time on my trip, but I missed Daddy so much. I had a couple moments of severe littleness - the sort where it just strikes you out of nowhere - while I was on the trip, and wished so badly that he could have been there. I'm sure that other people who are littles have experienced this sort of thing, where just all the sudden it's like, "I need Daddy/Mommy!" It's not always the best when this happens when you've got an ocean between you and Daddy.
And this feeling comes in two different flavors, good and bad. The good was when I stumbled upon a store full of Beatrix Potter things, and how much I had loved those books as a child came rushing back to me. My room was actually Peter Rabbit-themed when I was very young, so her books have a strong association with childhood for me. They had more Beatrix Potter things there than I'd ever seen, too - books, toys, clothes, even things like dishes and picture frames. I got very excited about them and so badly wished Daddy had been there, just so I could have said, "Look at this, look at this!" For as I am sure you know, while Mommies and Daddies are perfectly capable of looking at things on their own, one must often point out the subtle nuances of exactly why specific things are so awesome. I don't actually know if he's ever read any of the stories. I'll have to ask him tonight. But I just went and checked, and I have a big book with nine of her stories in it! I'll definitely have to remember to bring it the next time I come for a visit.
The bad came a few days later, when I was in the city instead of the countryside, and hadn't had the forethought to go to the bathroom quite as often as I'd needed to. All of the sudden I really needed to go, and it seemed like at just that moment all the businesses that might have had bathrooms I could have used started closing! It also didn't help that I was really tired from a long day of walking around and also a bit lost. I was wishing so badly that I was diapered so I wouldn't have to worry about finding a bathroom, but of course wishing didn't really help any in that situation. It got really bad, and I still couldn't find anywhere to go. I just wanted to sit down and cry because I felt like I couldn't deal with it on my own. I knew that if Daddy had been there, he would have been able to fix everything, but since he wasn't I had to be grown-up and keep going until I found somewhere. Which I did, and not a moment too soon. Thank goodness for random Burger Kings!
As I headed back to the hotel for the evening, I knew that the situation really hadn't been as bad as it had seemed at the time, but in the heat of the moment I can be bad at recognizing that. Being overwhelmed by things is something I know I have always had problems with, but having Daddy helps so much. And even when he's not there, I just ask myself what he would do and say to me, and that calms me down and gets me to think a little more levelheadedly. I still prefer actually having him there, though!
And this feeling comes in two different flavors, good and bad. The good was when I stumbled upon a store full of Beatrix Potter things, and how much I had loved those books as a child came rushing back to me. My room was actually Peter Rabbit-themed when I was very young, so her books have a strong association with childhood for me. They had more Beatrix Potter things there than I'd ever seen, too - books, toys, clothes, even things like dishes and picture frames. I got very excited about them and so badly wished Daddy had been there, just so I could have said, "Look at this, look at this!" For as I am sure you know, while Mommies and Daddies are perfectly capable of looking at things on their own, one must often point out the subtle nuances of exactly why specific things are so awesome. I don't actually know if he's ever read any of the stories. I'll have to ask him tonight. But I just went and checked, and I have a big book with nine of her stories in it! I'll definitely have to remember to bring it the next time I come for a visit.
The bad came a few days later, when I was in the city instead of the countryside, and hadn't had the forethought to go to the bathroom quite as often as I'd needed to. All of the sudden I really needed to go, and it seemed like at just that moment all the businesses that might have had bathrooms I could have used started closing! It also didn't help that I was really tired from a long day of walking around and also a bit lost. I was wishing so badly that I was diapered so I wouldn't have to worry about finding a bathroom, but of course wishing didn't really help any in that situation. It got really bad, and I still couldn't find anywhere to go. I just wanted to sit down and cry because I felt like I couldn't deal with it on my own. I knew that if Daddy had been there, he would have been able to fix everything, but since he wasn't I had to be grown-up and keep going until I found somewhere. Which I did, and not a moment too soon. Thank goodness for random Burger Kings!
As I headed back to the hotel for the evening, I knew that the situation really hadn't been as bad as it had seemed at the time, but in the heat of the moment I can be bad at recognizing that. Being overwhelmed by things is something I know I have always had problems with, but having Daddy helps so much. And even when he's not there, I just ask myself what he would do and say to me, and that calms me down and gets me to think a little more levelheadedly. I still prefer actually having him there, though!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Second Visit with Daddy
Wow, it's been a little while since I've written. But I do have an excuse! This Monday I drove up to see Daddy again, and I just got back last night. We had so much fun - went shopping (including going to a flea market where we saw some of the cutest puppies ever!), did some volunteer work for a lady that teaches at the college Daddy used to go to, saw Toy Story 3 and Despicable Me, and of course cuddled a lot. He kept me diapered for a pretty good percentage of the time, including my first excursion out into public with one on. There is something very mischievously fun about that. You're looking at people thinking, "Haha, I'm peeing right now and you don't even know it!" It's also pretty nice not to have to worry about going to the bathroom before leaving, or having to brave public bathrooms with scary spiders in the stalls!
I also got my first spanking, but I didn't need to make up an excuse for why I needed one because I actually did something bad. It's about an eight hour drive to Daddy's, and I had decided on the way there that I'd stop about halfway through and call him to let him know I was okay and about what time I might get there. The problem was that I recently switched cell phone providers, and as I discovered, literally don't get service for like five hours of the journey to Daddy's. I kept checking my phone every fifteen minutes or so, thinking that surely it would only be a little longer before I got into an area where I would have service. That never happened, though, and it didn't occur to me to stop somewhere and use a pay phone. I ended up getting there much later than I'd been expected because I had felt a little yucky that morning so I didn't leave until the afternoon, and Daddy had been freaking out because he didn't know where I was and couldn't get a hold of me. I felt really bad when I realized how much I'd scared him just by being careless. I ought to have called him when I first left, and I definitely should have found a pay phone when I had gone for a few hours with no service. But he knows that I'm sorry and I'll never do something like that again, and I think we both ended up enjoying the spanking.
The problem with Daddy living with his family is that we can't always do everything we'd like to because there's always the risk of someone knocking at his door. But we find ways to work around that, and once I have my apartment we'll be afforded more privacy. Then we won't have to worry so much about my tendency to be loud when I like something. XD I think I influenced Daddy to become a bit more vocal too, because he's said that he's usually very quiet in sexual situations, but we both like the other to be verbal during (I like being verbally humiliated and he's a self-professed narratophile), even if it is a little embarrassing when he tells me to tell him all the things I'd like him to do to me.
Even though everything is so new and we are still figuring this whole thing out, I have realized that I feel so much more comfortable with Daddy than I have with either of my two previous partners. He can't make my dysphoria go away, but he can make me feel so much better just because I know that, as a trans man, he knows exactly how I feel. I also know that no matter what my body may look like or my voice sound like, he sees me as a man just as I do him (heh, well, more like boy in my case, but you know what I mean!). He is really the first person I have actually felt comfortable being naked around. Taking off my clothes around a partner used to be a really agonizing experience that I avoided as much as I could, but with him I really just don't care. I don't feel like he's scrutinizing me or projecting things onto me that I'm not. He just lets me be me.
I am going to try to go up to see him again next month. I want us to be together again as soon as possible! Until then I just have to satisfy myself with the internets, although I won't be around much for the next two weeks because I'm going on vacation with the family out of the country and I'm not taking my laptop. I get the internet on my phone, but as we have already seen, it is not the most reliable device. And either way, I'm not too keen on blogging from it. So, see you in a few weeks!
I also got my first spanking, but I didn't need to make up an excuse for why I needed one because I actually did something bad. It's about an eight hour drive to Daddy's, and I had decided on the way there that I'd stop about halfway through and call him to let him know I was okay and about what time I might get there. The problem was that I recently switched cell phone providers, and as I discovered, literally don't get service for like five hours of the journey to Daddy's. I kept checking my phone every fifteen minutes or so, thinking that surely it would only be a little longer before I got into an area where I would have service. That never happened, though, and it didn't occur to me to stop somewhere and use a pay phone. I ended up getting there much later than I'd been expected because I had felt a little yucky that morning so I didn't leave until the afternoon, and Daddy had been freaking out because he didn't know where I was and couldn't get a hold of me. I felt really bad when I realized how much I'd scared him just by being careless. I ought to have called him when I first left, and I definitely should have found a pay phone when I had gone for a few hours with no service. But he knows that I'm sorry and I'll never do something like that again, and I think we both ended up enjoying the spanking.
The problem with Daddy living with his family is that we can't always do everything we'd like to because there's always the risk of someone knocking at his door. But we find ways to work around that, and once I have my apartment we'll be afforded more privacy. Then we won't have to worry so much about my tendency to be loud when I like something. XD I think I influenced Daddy to become a bit more vocal too, because he's said that he's usually very quiet in sexual situations, but we both like the other to be verbal during (I like being verbally humiliated and he's a self-professed narratophile), even if it is a little embarrassing when he tells me to tell him all the things I'd like him to do to me.
Even though everything is so new and we are still figuring this whole thing out, I have realized that I feel so much more comfortable with Daddy than I have with either of my two previous partners. He can't make my dysphoria go away, but he can make me feel so much better just because I know that, as a trans man, he knows exactly how I feel. I also know that no matter what my body may look like or my voice sound like, he sees me as a man just as I do him (heh, well, more like boy in my case, but you know what I mean!). He is really the first person I have actually felt comfortable being naked around. Taking off my clothes around a partner used to be a really agonizing experience that I avoided as much as I could, but with him I really just don't care. I don't feel like he's scrutinizing me or projecting things onto me that I'm not. He just lets me be me.
I am going to try to go up to see him again next month. I want us to be together again as soon as possible! Until then I just have to satisfy myself with the internets, although I won't be around much for the next two weeks because I'm going on vacation with the family out of the country and I'm not taking my laptop. I get the internet on my phone, but as we have already seen, it is not the most reliable device. And either way, I'm not too keen on blogging from it. So, see you in a few weeks!
Monday, June 28, 2010
iDiaper.me
So, some exciting news! A new online magazine is coming out for AB/DLs: iDiaper.me. The creator of it has said that he hopes it to be sort of like an ageplayer's cross between Cosmo and Psychology Today. I think this will be a great thing for the community, because we don't really have anything comparable to it. And everyone likes reading interesting articles! But what I'm really excited about is that I'm going to be a contributor! Yay! I will still keep this blog, of course, because this is where my silly little day-to-day adventures go. I'm already scheming up all sorts of things to write about for the site, though. It'll be my new way of convincing Daddy to do stuff. XD "But you have to spank me, how else can I write an article about it?"
So what you oughta go do right now is sign up for iDiaper.me's newsletter. Not just because you'll know what's going on with the site, but because when you do, you're automatically entered to win a free case of Bambino diapers! There's also a Twitter account you can follow if you're so inclined, http://twitter.com/iDiaperMe. I made myself a Twitter as well, http://twitter.com/lilboyschwarz. I know you can't resist hearing about what stupid thing I'm doing at any given hour of the day!
So what you oughta go do right now is sign up for iDiaper.me's newsletter. Not just because you'll know what's going on with the site, but because when you do, you're automatically entered to win a free case of Bambino diapers! There's also a Twitter account you can follow if you're so inclined, http://twitter.com/iDiaperMe. I made myself a Twitter as well, http://twitter.com/lilboyschwarz. I know you can't resist hearing about what stupid thing I'm doing at any given hour of the day!
Friday, June 25, 2010
More Shopping!
So yesterday, I finally went to investigate a sign I'd kept driving past advertising an indoor flea market. At first I got lost because I hadn't paid very good attention to the information on the sign, so I stopped at a nearby mall to get lunch and walk around a little. I went to the dollar store there, and they actually sold clothes, though most were in the range of two or three dollars. Lo and behold, there was one pair of shortalls! They were only three dollars so I excitedly snapped them up...and then got home to find out they didn't fit. I think if I had looked at them more critically I would have realized that without needing to try them on, but they were so cute that I was doing wishful thinking. The top portion zips off, and has a big pocket on the front that's set at an angle, and then the fastener for the strap in the back looks kinda like old-fashioned suspenders. It also had an elastic band running along the waistband in the back, which I thought was very little kid-ish. But alas! I do not fit into a size one, and I should have realized this! At least I'm only out three bucks, though.
I looked up directions to this flea market while I was at the mall, and then made my way there. It was one of those disappointing flea market "malls," where they charge more for booths so you only have people with businesses there, not just your average person looking to sell some of their unused/unwanted stuff. That having been said, I did find two things that I'm pretty excited about!
The first is a pacifier that has a pretty decently-sized nipple. It's a brand called "Soother," and seems like the relatively cheapy sort that you could find at a dollar store. But look at it in comparison to a Nuk 3 (on the left):
The bulb at the end isn't as large, but the nipple is a lot longer. I really like it! Will it fall apart after using it a few times? Well, maybe, but you get what you pay for.
I also found more cute underwear! I'm always on the lookout for these, because it's sort of difficult to find it in sizes that will fit me. Those racecar ones actually came in a pack in which the others were solid-colored. So when I found a pack in which every pair had fun designs, I knew I had to get it!
I am so in love with these. I may not be the most sporty person in the world, but I do love puppies and Volkswagens! And these really do look like the sort of underwear kids wore when I was physically five, as opposed to just mentally. XD
Tomorrow I'm going to what I'm hoping will be a real flea market, so who knows what I'll find? You also oughta be able to expect a diaper review from me soon, i.e., whenever I actually go out and buy the ones I've been thinking of getting.
I looked up directions to this flea market while I was at the mall, and then made my way there. It was one of those disappointing flea market "malls," where they charge more for booths so you only have people with businesses there, not just your average person looking to sell some of their unused/unwanted stuff. That having been said, I did find two things that I'm pretty excited about!
The first is a pacifier that has a pretty decently-sized nipple. It's a brand called "Soother," and seems like the relatively cheapy sort that you could find at a dollar store. But look at it in comparison to a Nuk 3 (on the left):
The bulb at the end isn't as large, but the nipple is a lot longer. I really like it! Will it fall apart after using it a few times? Well, maybe, but you get what you pay for.
I also found more cute underwear! I'm always on the lookout for these, because it's sort of difficult to find it in sizes that will fit me. Those racecar ones actually came in a pack in which the others were solid-colored. So when I found a pack in which every pair had fun designs, I knew I had to get it!
I am so in love with these. I may not be the most sporty person in the world, but I do love puppies and Volkswagens! And these really do look like the sort of underwear kids wore when I was physically five, as opposed to just mentally. XD
Tomorrow I'm going to what I'm hoping will be a real flea market, so who knows what I'll find? You also oughta be able to expect a diaper review from me soon, i.e., whenever I actually go out and buy the ones I've been thinking of getting.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Shopping Around
Since I've been out of town nearly every day for a summer class that I'm taking, I've had some opportunities to shop around for baby stuff without having to worry that anyone I know will see me. I can't say I've had the greatest of luck, since the number one thing I was looking for were Pampers size 7, and so far I've found them in neither WalMart, Target, nor the grocery store. However, there's a Toys R' Us/Babies R' Us in the area as well, so I'll stop there probably some time this week. I feel like if they don't have them, I'm just going to give up looking. It's not that big of a deal; I don't need to have them, but I would just like to try them out and I think I should be able to fit in them. And even if I can't, they can always be used as stuffers.
Of course, once I'm there I'm not going to be able to leave empty-handed! Although to be honest I'm not sure what to buy other than diapers. I don't need any new pacifiers unless I can find one that's larger than the Nuk 18+ months, which I don't think is very likely. I definitely don't need any new stuffed animals! Maybe I'll buy a bottle, because I don't have one here. Mostly what I'll probably do is wish I could fit into all of the cute clothes there! I've also been on the lookout for those lately. There's a thrift store I want to check up on within the next week or two to see if they've gotten anything good. My main problem with shopping for clothes is that the regular boys' clothes fit me, but I don't like their designs as much as I like the ones for little boys. I always think the little boys' clothes are so cute and funny, especially the ones that have a picture of something and then the name of it beneath it. I saw "CRAB" the other day at WalMart, but even a 5T is far from being able to fit me! I'm also looking for some shortalls, because I reaaally want some, but so far no luck.
I've been to a couple of dollar stores too, just because I wanted to see what they had. Not much, really, except for one thing I consider a good find, which is the "Angel of Mine" line of baby care products. They're not tested on animals, and of course, only a dollar! You really can't beat that. I bought some baby oil lotion and this really neat baby powder scented spray. I know there is somewhere online that sells a baby powder scent, but it's quite expensive compared to this. I think you could definitely use this to make regular diapers smell nice, as long as you only sprayed it on the outside. I'm also going to spray it on my stuffed whale, Bon Bon, because he got cleaned with Woolite and I don't think that smells so great.
I've found out that I'm going to have a free week between when my summer course ends and when I go on vacation with my family, so I'm really hoping I can drive up to visit Daddy again! I miss him so much. I especially did this past weekend, because I was at a convention and kept seeing things that reminded me of him and thinking about how much fun we would have had if he'd been there. Not that I didn't have fun as it was, but everything is better with him! <3
Of course, once I'm there I'm not going to be able to leave empty-handed! Although to be honest I'm not sure what to buy other than diapers. I don't need any new pacifiers unless I can find one that's larger than the Nuk 18+ months, which I don't think is very likely. I definitely don't need any new stuffed animals! Maybe I'll buy a bottle, because I don't have one here. Mostly what I'll probably do is wish I could fit into all of the cute clothes there! I've also been on the lookout for those lately. There's a thrift store I want to check up on within the next week or two to see if they've gotten anything good. My main problem with shopping for clothes is that the regular boys' clothes fit me, but I don't like their designs as much as I like the ones for little boys. I always think the little boys' clothes are so cute and funny, especially the ones that have a picture of something and then the name of it beneath it. I saw "CRAB" the other day at WalMart, but even a 5T is far from being able to fit me! I'm also looking for some shortalls, because I reaaally want some, but so far no luck.
I've been to a couple of dollar stores too, just because I wanted to see what they had. Not much, really, except for one thing I consider a good find, which is the "Angel of Mine" line of baby care products. They're not tested on animals, and of course, only a dollar! You really can't beat that. I bought some baby oil lotion and this really neat baby powder scented spray. I know there is somewhere online that sells a baby powder scent, but it's quite expensive compared to this. I think you could definitely use this to make regular diapers smell nice, as long as you only sprayed it on the outside. I'm also going to spray it on my stuffed whale, Bon Bon, because he got cleaned with Woolite and I don't think that smells so great.
I've found out that I'm going to have a free week between when my summer course ends and when I go on vacation with my family, so I'm really hoping I can drive up to visit Daddy again! I miss him so much. I especially did this past weekend, because I was at a convention and kept seeing things that reminded me of him and thinking about how much fun we would have had if he'd been there. Not that I didn't have fun as it was, but everything is better with him! <3
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Shaving Problems
It's been years since I shaved with anything like regularity. For the past year, I didn't shave any part of my body whatsoever, and for maybe three years prior to that it was only whenever I went swimming or for the period in which I was dating the guy who didn't know I was trans. Even when I was living as a female, it always seemed a really unnecessary thing to do that took up way too much time to maintain. Daddy has, I think, very reasonable standards about shaving when I consider the fact that a lot of AB/DLs are made to shave all over. He's okay with hair on arms and legs, but just doesn't like body hair. Now, under my arms is no problem, because I always shaved there up until last year. It's easy to do and I can do it in under a minute. Pubic hair, however, was a different story. Before last month, I had only ever shaved completely once, and had the reaction that I think most people who do it for the first time do - my skin got irritated and it itched like heck when it started to grow back, so I decided not to do it anymore, though I always kept the area neatly trimmed.
Well, I would do anything for Daddy if he asked me to, so a little bit of shaving is no problem. What is a problem, though, is that despite using all the tips I've read online and the advice Daddy's given me - I use a new razor every time, I don't shave first thing in the morning, I don't bear down hard, I use a thick cream-style bodywash, and I stay in the shower for a few minutes before shaving to open my pores and soften the hair - when I pull the razor across my skin it honestly just feels like it's ripping the hair out. I end up with about ten or so little cuts each time, fortunately always on the upper portion and not very near to my actual genitals, but they still hurt! It also seems impossible for me to get a smooth shave. Even right after doing it, there's still stubble. It helps to do it in short little strokes and to pull the skin taut, but it's still nowhere near what I'd like it to be. I know that it takes a little while for your skin and hair to get used to shaving and that it becomes more effective then, but the cuts have gotta stop!
So does anyone out there have any advice for me? I'd really appreciate it, because I would definitely like to have this whole shaving thing mastered by the time I visit Daddy again.
Well, I would do anything for Daddy if he asked me to, so a little bit of shaving is no problem. What is a problem, though, is that despite using all the tips I've read online and the advice Daddy's given me - I use a new razor every time, I don't shave first thing in the morning, I don't bear down hard, I use a thick cream-style bodywash, and I stay in the shower for a few minutes before shaving to open my pores and soften the hair - when I pull the razor across my skin it honestly just feels like it's ripping the hair out. I end up with about ten or so little cuts each time, fortunately always on the upper portion and not very near to my actual genitals, but they still hurt! It also seems impossible for me to get a smooth shave. Even right after doing it, there's still stubble. It helps to do it in short little strokes and to pull the skin taut, but it's still nowhere near what I'd like it to be. I know that it takes a little while for your skin and hair to get used to shaving and that it becomes more effective then, but the cuts have gotta stop!
So does anyone out there have any advice for me? I'd really appreciate it, because I would definitely like to have this whole shaving thing mastered by the time I visit Daddy again.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Pondering Video Blogging
I made myself a separate YouTube account for AB/DL stuff, since I watch a lot of videos on there but didn't want to subscribe to AB/DL people's channels on my regular account. My username is littleboyschwarz, and if you check out my subscriptions you can see a few people whose videos I really like. I'm always on the lookout for more, though, so I'd appreciate any recommendations. Some of these video blogs have made me want to make a few videos of my own, but I am hesitant for the obvious reason that it's YouTube, and theoretically anyone could see it. I've thought about doing videos where I don't show my face, though. Some of the people I watch do that, and I still find the videos entertaining.
On the other hand, there's also DPRTube. I don't have an account there yet, so maybe I should make one. I'm sure that there's some way to set it so that your videos can only be viewed by members, and if that's the case I would feel a lot more comfortable showing my face. My main problem with the site is...well, go to the front page and take a look, if you're brave enough. A huge percentage of what you'll see consists of people wetting/messing their diapers, or having them changed. I am not interested in this. I can't judge people if that's what they want to do, but it's just something I want to watch. Browsing around, it seems like about five months ago there was an attempt by a few members of the community to get more people to do video blogs, but after a brief increase in activity it just sort of fizzled out.
Oh, and I'd forgotten that you could post videos on DiaperSpace. It's slightly better when it comes to having things other than just people using their diapers, but still not much in the way of blogs. I think that's my best bet, though...if only because I already have a profile on there and it's all done up the way I like it. Before I do anything, though, I'll have to ask Daddy what he thinks.
In other news, I got racecar undies! :D
On the other hand, there's also DPRTube. I don't have an account there yet, so maybe I should make one. I'm sure that there's some way to set it so that your videos can only be viewed by members, and if that's the case I would feel a lot more comfortable showing my face. My main problem with the site is...well, go to the front page and take a look, if you're brave enough. A huge percentage of what you'll see consists of people wetting/messing their diapers, or having them changed. I am not interested in this. I can't judge people if that's what they want to do, but it's just something I want to watch. Browsing around, it seems like about five months ago there was an attempt by a few members of the community to get more people to do video blogs, but after a brief increase in activity it just sort of fizzled out.
Oh, and I'd forgotten that you could post videos on DiaperSpace. It's slightly better when it comes to having things other than just people using their diapers, but still not much in the way of blogs. I think that's my best bet, though...if only because I already have a profile on there and it's all done up the way I like it. Before I do anything, though, I'll have to ask Daddy what he thinks.
In other news, I got racecar undies! :D
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Wetting for the First Time
Well, I know I just wrote, but I did indeed go put on a GoodNite and managed to get myself to actually use it this time. At first I had to stand in the bathtub, but once I did it that way, I tried it sitting down and now I'm on my bed using it intermittently. It's not the same as using the toilet, when it's all at once, but I'd rather not have it be like that anyways because I would be afraid of flooding it and leaking. I think providing myself with some assurance that it wasn't going to leak was an important part of this. That was one of the things that I felt was preventing me from using my diaper at Daddy's house - I didn't want to ruin his blankets and mattress. What I didn't realize was just how much even something like a GoodNite expands. It's amazing! It just keeps absorbing and getting more and more bulky. I had thought it was going to feel all wet and yucky after I used it, but it doesn't at all. This is really cool! <3
Saturday, June 5, 2010
My First Visit With Daddy
Well, my visit with Daddy was awesome, but of course I expected no less! We did all sorts of stuff...watched movies (including a double feature at a drive-in), ate ice cream, went to the park, the mall, Toys R Us, couple of old graveyards...and cuddled a lot! Oh my gosh, I can't even put into words what a good time I had. It didn't even matter what we were doing, just so long as I was with him. I was so happy I felt like I was going to explode!
We didn't get a whole lot of little time because he lives with his parents, and maybe some people like the thrill of getting caught, but not us! It's okay though, because what we did have was great and there will be plenty of time in the future, especially once I move into my new apartment. I'll have a roommate, and while she doesn't know about me being a little boy, she knows enough about me that if I told her not to come in, she wouldn't come in!
I think we were both a little shy because it was the first time either of us had done anything like that with another person. In fact, it was the first time I had ever worn a diaper, because I had always been too timid to go out and buy any. But we went to Wal-Mart on the first night I was there and got some GoodNites, and since Daddy was with me I wasn't scared at all. We also had some Bambinos that a friend of ours sent, but they were mediums and I'm a very small guy so we decided to layer them over the GoodNites. It was sooo thick and I couldn't stop shifting around because I really liked how it felt.
I couldn't get myself to actually wet them, though. It felt like I had a bit of a mental block against it. As I said to Daddy, you spend your whole life not peeing on/in things, so it's kind of hard to suddenly just throw all that conditioning out the window. I brought the GoodNites and one of the packs of Bambinos home with me, though, so I'm going to practice so that the next time I go see Daddy (hopefully next month!) I'll be able to use them and then he can really change me. After all, it sort of seems like a shame to throw away a dry diaper, don't you think?
We are so lucky to have met the friend who sent us the diapers, because he also sent all sorts of other things that really made this visit (as well as future ones) special, like a onesie, a big stuffed kitty, a really nice bottle, and a Nuk 5. That's a kind of bink, if you don't know, that they only sell in Europe. It's got a really big nipple; it's great! I had read about it before and it really is true what people say, that the larger size makes a big difference. I do still like the smaller Nuk that I have, though. They are mushy and fun to nom on. XD I think it's a good thing I'm not a real baby, because with the way I treat rubber nipples I suspect I'd do a number on an actual one!
Anyways, it was just ridiculously amazing, and I'm so excited about the future of our relationship. And in constant disbelief at how lucky I've gotten! I can't even put the way he makes me feel into words. He's a little better at it than I am, I think, and I also realized yesterday that I haven't yet linked to our DiaperSpace pages. So:
http://www.diaperspace.com/schwarz
http://www.diaperspace.com/Papa_Alexander
He blogs on his (I used to until I moved over to here, but I'm still active on my account), and wrote about our time together. It's so sweet it made me tear up! Our whole relationship is just...a big pile of kittens! That's the best way I can think of to describe it!
Feel free to add me on DiaperSpace. I pretty much approve all my friend requests, with maybe the exception of people who have absolutely nothing on their profile. I don't understand why you'd just leave it blank, anyways! To me, that's one of the most fun parts of a site like that.
Well, that's all for now. I'm thinking I may go put on one of those GoodNites and get to work on my...un-potty training. Until next time! <3
We didn't get a whole lot of little time because he lives with his parents, and maybe some people like the thrill of getting caught, but not us! It's okay though, because what we did have was great and there will be plenty of time in the future, especially once I move into my new apartment. I'll have a roommate, and while she doesn't know about me being a little boy, she knows enough about me that if I told her not to come in, she wouldn't come in!
I think we were both a little shy because it was the first time either of us had done anything like that with another person. In fact, it was the first time I had ever worn a diaper, because I had always been too timid to go out and buy any. But we went to Wal-Mart on the first night I was there and got some GoodNites, and since Daddy was with me I wasn't scared at all. We also had some Bambinos that a friend of ours sent, but they were mediums and I'm a very small guy so we decided to layer them over the GoodNites. It was sooo thick and I couldn't stop shifting around because I really liked how it felt.
I couldn't get myself to actually wet them, though. It felt like I had a bit of a mental block against it. As I said to Daddy, you spend your whole life not peeing on/in things, so it's kind of hard to suddenly just throw all that conditioning out the window. I brought the GoodNites and one of the packs of Bambinos home with me, though, so I'm going to practice so that the next time I go see Daddy (hopefully next month!) I'll be able to use them and then he can really change me. After all, it sort of seems like a shame to throw away a dry diaper, don't you think?
We are so lucky to have met the friend who sent us the diapers, because he also sent all sorts of other things that really made this visit (as well as future ones) special, like a onesie, a big stuffed kitty, a really nice bottle, and a Nuk 5. That's a kind of bink, if you don't know, that they only sell in Europe. It's got a really big nipple; it's great! I had read about it before and it really is true what people say, that the larger size makes a big difference. I do still like the smaller Nuk that I have, though. They are mushy and fun to nom on. XD I think it's a good thing I'm not a real baby, because with the way I treat rubber nipples I suspect I'd do a number on an actual one!
Anyways, it was just ridiculously amazing, and I'm so excited about the future of our relationship. And in constant disbelief at how lucky I've gotten! I can't even put the way he makes me feel into words. He's a little better at it than I am, I think, and I also realized yesterday that I haven't yet linked to our DiaperSpace pages. So:
http://www.diaperspace.com/schwarz
http://www.diaperspace.com/Papa_Alexander
He blogs on his (I used to until I moved over to here, but I'm still active on my account), and wrote about our time together. It's so sweet it made me tear up! Our whole relationship is just...a big pile of kittens! That's the best way I can think of to describe it!
Feel free to add me on DiaperSpace. I pretty much approve all my friend requests, with maybe the exception of people who have absolutely nothing on their profile. I don't understand why you'd just leave it blank, anyways! To me, that's one of the most fun parts of a site like that.
Well, that's all for now. I'm thinking I may go put on one of those GoodNites and get to work on my...un-potty training. Until next time! <3
Friday, May 28, 2010
How Daddy and I Got Together
One of my favorite things about my relationship with Daddy is that we were friends for a couple of years before we got together. It's funny how many things in my life I somehow owe to my involvement in fandom, and that includes meeting Daddy. We originally got to know each other through a roleplaying game on LiveJournal. We bonded over our mutual love for a couple of shows, and the fact that we both shipped our characters - or in normal-person language, we wanted them to get together and played out a relationship between the two! Eventually I took up playing another character off of one that Daddy had played for a while, and we spent many an evening writing together, coming up with all sorts of crazy adventures. I think I do some of my best writing playing off of Daddy. Creative endeavors of all sorts have always been very important to me, and it's fantastic to be with someone that I constantly learn from and am inspired by.
It's kind of a cliche in the world of fandom, to fall in love with your RP partner, and I've gotta say that for a long time I definitely did some vicarious living through my characters. It was really all I could do, though, because first I was scared to tell him how I felt because I didn't just want to be some creepy person from the internet who fell for someone just because they gave me some positive attention. Not being confident enough to be honest with Daddy about my feelings was a big mistake on my part, because while I was messing around he ended up getting himself a girlfriend. I figured that was about it, and really tried to make myself move on. But it was hard just being friends when I knew deep inside how I really felt. For a while, I was kind of scarce around the internet, but always ended up coming back because even if we couldn't be together, I loved writing with him and valued our friendship. It felt like we could talk about anything, and even talking about the most trivial things made me happy when I was talking about them with him.
Things got even harder when he and his girlfriend got engaged, but what could I do? I was pretty darn unhappy despite my best attempts to distract myself with schoolwork, writing, fandom, or art. At this point we both knew about each other's respective little boy/daddy leanings, and I knew that he had tried to explain it to his girlfriend but she hadn't been very responsive at all. It was frustrating - as much as I hate to reference it, a bit like a certain Taylor Swift song. And it made me feel very selfish for not just being able to accept the fact that they were happy together, which the logical part of me knew was the most important thing.
And then in the beginning of February, things suddenly started to change very quickly. There is a lot of history behind it that I don't know about or am not fully educated enough on to really say many definitive things, and I also don't really think it's my place to do so, so let's just suffice to say that things between Daddy and his girlfriend hadn't been as great as they'd looked from the outside, and they broke it off. As for her, she found a new boyfriend very soon afterward, so I assume she's doing fine. Because of that, I also didn't feel guilty that Daddy and I got together as quickly we did. The thing was that we had both known for a while that there was something between us, even before the night I got drunk and tried to tell him everything rather incoherently. XD He told me that he had always regretted not being able to explore his feelings for me, and as for myself, well, I'm sure by this point you can tell I'd been crazy about him for a while.
It's funny how fast things went from sort of awful to definitely awesome. Since we'd known each other for so long, there was no awkward period of trying to become better acquainted. There were never any big important scary talks about being trans or AB/DL, because we already knew these things about each other. To be honest, Daddy is the only person I've ever felt like I really could tell anything to, and that was true of him even before we were together. I'm never afraid to be myself, my complete self, and as someone who's spent a lot of time feeling like they're forced to be someone they're not, this is very important to me. I'm incredibly lucky, and I know it!
And now, we're about to reach an important milestone in our relationship - Daddy and I are going to meet in person for the first time tomorrow! We couldn't do it before now because I went to school very far away from where he lives, but now that I'm home for the summer we're about a seven hour drive apart. It'll be the farthest I've ever driven by myself, but I'd go twice that distance to see him! Unfortunately I only get to stay until Thursday because I have to be back on Friday to register for a summer course I'm taking, but I'm going to make every effort to get back up there again before the end of the summer. Then after that, I'm moving to only four hours away, so we'll get to see each other every weekend if we want!
A friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago if I was nervous at all; if maybe I was afraid that when I got there Daddy somehow wouldn't be the person I expected him to be. I'm really not. In fact, the things I'm most nervous about are the drive there and making a good impression on his family! But as for the man himself, I trust him completely. If I didn't, he wouldn't be my Daddy! You have no idea how excited I am, or how much I've thought about this trip in the preceding months. I can't believe it's really tomorrow! I'm going to bring my laptop, but no guarantees on any updates while I'm there. After all, I have plenty of time to blog later, but only a few days with him, so I want to make the most of them! I'll definitely write about our visit when I get back, though. Until next time! <3
It's kind of a cliche in the world of fandom, to fall in love with your RP partner, and I've gotta say that for a long time I definitely did some vicarious living through my characters. It was really all I could do, though, because first I was scared to tell him how I felt because I didn't just want to be some creepy person from the internet who fell for someone just because they gave me some positive attention. Not being confident enough to be honest with Daddy about my feelings was a big mistake on my part, because while I was messing around he ended up getting himself a girlfriend. I figured that was about it, and really tried to make myself move on. But it was hard just being friends when I knew deep inside how I really felt. For a while, I was kind of scarce around the internet, but always ended up coming back because even if we couldn't be together, I loved writing with him and valued our friendship. It felt like we could talk about anything, and even talking about the most trivial things made me happy when I was talking about them with him.
Things got even harder when he and his girlfriend got engaged, but what could I do? I was pretty darn unhappy despite my best attempts to distract myself with schoolwork, writing, fandom, or art. At this point we both knew about each other's respective little boy/daddy leanings, and I knew that he had tried to explain it to his girlfriend but she hadn't been very responsive at all. It was frustrating - as much as I hate to reference it, a bit like a certain Taylor Swift song. And it made me feel very selfish for not just being able to accept the fact that they were happy together, which the logical part of me knew was the most important thing.
And then in the beginning of February, things suddenly started to change very quickly. There is a lot of history behind it that I don't know about or am not fully educated enough on to really say many definitive things, and I also don't really think it's my place to do so, so let's just suffice to say that things between Daddy and his girlfriend hadn't been as great as they'd looked from the outside, and they broke it off. As for her, she found a new boyfriend very soon afterward, so I assume she's doing fine. Because of that, I also didn't feel guilty that Daddy and I got together as quickly we did. The thing was that we had both known for a while that there was something between us, even before the night I got drunk and tried to tell him everything rather incoherently. XD He told me that he had always regretted not being able to explore his feelings for me, and as for myself, well, I'm sure by this point you can tell I'd been crazy about him for a while.
It's funny how fast things went from sort of awful to definitely awesome. Since we'd known each other for so long, there was no awkward period of trying to become better acquainted. There were never any big important scary talks about being trans or AB/DL, because we already knew these things about each other. To be honest, Daddy is the only person I've ever felt like I really could tell anything to, and that was true of him even before we were together. I'm never afraid to be myself, my complete self, and as someone who's spent a lot of time feeling like they're forced to be someone they're not, this is very important to me. I'm incredibly lucky, and I know it!
And now, we're about to reach an important milestone in our relationship - Daddy and I are going to meet in person for the first time tomorrow! We couldn't do it before now because I went to school very far away from where he lives, but now that I'm home for the summer we're about a seven hour drive apart. It'll be the farthest I've ever driven by myself, but I'd go twice that distance to see him! Unfortunately I only get to stay until Thursday because I have to be back on Friday to register for a summer course I'm taking, but I'm going to make every effort to get back up there again before the end of the summer. Then after that, I'm moving to only four hours away, so we'll get to see each other every weekend if we want!
A friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago if I was nervous at all; if maybe I was afraid that when I got there Daddy somehow wouldn't be the person I expected him to be. I'm really not. In fact, the things I'm most nervous about are the drive there and making a good impression on his family! But as for the man himself, I trust him completely. If I didn't, he wouldn't be my Daddy! You have no idea how excited I am, or how much I've thought about this trip in the preceding months. I can't believe it's really tomorrow! I'm going to bring my laptop, but no guarantees on any updates while I'm there. After all, I have plenty of time to blog later, but only a few days with him, so I want to make the most of them! I'll definitely write about our visit when I get back, though. Until next time! <3
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
How I Realized I Was a Little Boy
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Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Introduction
All right! After a bit of jackassery involving a spontaneously-disappearing email address, I'm finally ready to write my first entry in here! I'm going to call this my introductory post, though in truth I think I'll need to write a few different posts detailing various aspects of my life. But for now, the bare bones of who I am and why I've started this blog.
So hi. I'm Schwarz. Obviously not my real name, but for all intents and purposes I think it works pretty well. I'm twenty one years old, and a female to male trans person. I am graduating from college this week with my bachelor's degree, and don't have a real job as of yet. Most important for the context of this blog is the fact that I am a little boy. That is, I fall into the AB/DL (adult baby/diaper lover) spectrum, but identify as around five years old as opposed to many of my peers who are genuinely babies. I have an absolutely wonderful Daddy who is twenty and also an FtM. Right now we are limited to having a long-distance relationship, but I'm going to visit him for the first time next month, and in August I'm going to be moving close enough to him that we'll get to see each other on weekends.
That's the main reason I've started this blog, to chronicle both the growth of our relationship and myself as an individual, as well as to muse over various things related to being a little boy. The other reason for this blog is that I feel that AB/DL folks do not always have a very positive image on the internet, even sometimes among general fetish communities. My hope is that people will read my blog and no matter how kinky or vanilla they may be, will come to understand that most of us are sane, intelligent people who should not be ashamed of their lifestyle because it is a positive one that doesn't hurt anyone and brings boundless happiness to the people involved.
So there you have it in a nutshell. I am going to get to work on a few entries about being transgendered, how I got into the AB/DL community, and how I met my Daddy. Until then! <3
So hi. I'm Schwarz. Obviously not my real name, but for all intents and purposes I think it works pretty well. I'm twenty one years old, and a female to male trans person. I am graduating from college this week with my bachelor's degree, and don't have a real job as of yet. Most important for the context of this blog is the fact that I am a little boy. That is, I fall into the AB/DL (adult baby/diaper lover) spectrum, but identify as around five years old as opposed to many of my peers who are genuinely babies. I have an absolutely wonderful Daddy who is twenty and also an FtM. Right now we are limited to having a long-distance relationship, but I'm going to visit him for the first time next month, and in August I'm going to be moving close enough to him that we'll get to see each other on weekends.
That's the main reason I've started this blog, to chronicle both the growth of our relationship and myself as an individual, as well as to muse over various things related to being a little boy. The other reason for this blog is that I feel that AB/DL folks do not always have a very positive image on the internet, even sometimes among general fetish communities. My hope is that people will read my blog and no matter how kinky or vanilla they may be, will come to understand that most of us are sane, intelligent people who should not be ashamed of their lifestyle because it is a positive one that doesn't hurt anyone and brings boundless happiness to the people involved.
So there you have it in a nutshell. I am going to get to work on a few entries about being transgendered, how I got into the AB/DL community, and how I met my Daddy. Until then! <3
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